Scary Minds
by Zebrastreifen
Summary: The mind is a scary place. How will Emily react when the boundaries between nightmares and reality begin to blur? *RATED M TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE / ANGST / ! *
1. Chapter 1

**Scary Minds**

A half-angry, half-terrified „DON'T TOUCH ME!", followed by a loud smack resounding through the jet made the team's heads turn. Hotch held his cheek, staring at Emily in confusion. He had only wanted to help her by waking her up from the nightmare she had obviously been having!

It took Emily a few seconds to realize she had just struck her boss in his face. When she finally did, her eyes widened in shock. "Fuck!" Unable to face anyone, especially Hotch, Emily fled to the jet's bathroom, managing to lock the door before anyone could follow her. Sinking down on the cold bathroom floor, Emily pulled her legs closely to her body, wrapping her arms around them. She didn't really know when she had started crying, but when she tried to cover her face with her hands she noticed her cheeks were wet. This couldn't be happening! Trembling like a leaf, Emily asked herself whether she'd prefer this situation still being part of the nightmare. No, she figured. Despite the awkwardness of this situation, Emily was glad she was awake. She knew she wouldn't be able to deal with what happened in her nightmares again and again. And she also knew that the boundaries between reality and nightmare had already begun to blur. She just hadn't expected things to get worse by the minute!

After the first nightmare, when things still used to be blurry and absurd, Emily had just thought to herself "What the fuck?!". By now, her nightmares had become so realistic that she sometimes didn't know whether the situation was real or not. Hell, she would have never hit her boss if she had known this was only a dream again, right?

Emily's thoughts were interrupted by knocks on the bathroom door. Even before she heard the other woman gently asking her to open the door, Emily had known it was JJ: The knocks were soft, hesitatingly even - and, more than anything else, they were _worried_.

"Em? Please open the door!"

Emily didn't react. She couldn't face JJ right now - couldn't face anyone! Hell, regarding what had just happened, Emily seriously doubted she would _ever_ be able to face the team again!

"Emily, please! You're scaring me!"

"I... I'm fine!" Emily stumbled.

"You're not." JJ stated calmly. "Let me help you!"

Emily sighed, knowing JJ wouldn't be leaving again soon. They were friends, after all. If things were the other way round, Emily would be standing outside, insisting on JJ opening the door, too.

Although her hands were still shaking, Emily somehow managed to unlock the door. JJ sneaked inside before Emily could change her mind. She wasn't surprised to hear the lock click into place only seconds later.

"Talk to me, Em!"

"I can't..."

"Yes, you can.

"I'm fine..."

"No, you're not!"

There were many reasons why JJ didn't believe her. Instead of just apologizing and blaming the incident on a lack of sleep and the anxiety caused by the nightmare, Emily had just run away, and now she was curled up in a ball on the jet's bathroom floor, crying - this was far from _being okay_!

Having shared a room with the other woman for the past week, JJ had already known Emily was having trouble sleeping, but apparently things were much worse than she had assumed.

The look Emily had had in her eyes after Hotch had gently shaken her shoulder had given JJ a chill. Emily had seemed so vulnerable, so scared! What bothered JJ most was that the realization that it was only Hotch had not seemed to calm Emily down. If anything, the terrified look in her eyes had even intensified! Was Emily scared of Hotch? Obviously yes. But why?

Sighing deeply, JJ reached out for Emily's hand, relieved when the other woman didn't flinch away from her touch.

"Please tell me what is wrong, Emily!" JJ begged. "We're not going to hurt you!"

The blonde couldn't help but stare at Emily in confusion when her friend's sobs finally turned into

hysteric laughter.

* * *

I'm really unsure about this story! If you like it or don't like it, please let me know! There are at least two other chapters stuck in my head... I also appreciate any kind of feedback on my English since I'm not a native speaker!

Thanks in advance!


	2. Chapter 2

What remained after the brunette's hysteric laughter had finally subsided were unsuccessfully oppressed sobs emitting from her lips.

"Em?" JJ asked. "Will you please look at me?" The brunette didn't react. "What... what was this about?" She tried. Again, no reaction. JJ sighed. "You are scared of Hotch" She stated after a while, not knowing how else to trigger a reaction from Emily. Her friend's sigh was soon followed by a hesitating, shameful nod. There was no sense in denying it. JJ was a profiler, after all - a profiler who had seen the frightened look in her eyes when Emily had woken up facing Hotch. A profiler who had seen Emily slapping his face before running off towards the bathroom, unable to face anyone, especially _him_. But this was not only about JJ being a profiler. More importantly, she was Emily's friend. A friend who knew that - huddled on the jet's bathroom floor hugging her knees - Emily was trying to hide more than just her tear-stained face. Above all, she was trying to hide the truth. And that scared JJ more than anything that had happened earlier, because there were only few things that could have caused Emily being so scared of Hotch - one of them worse than the other.

JJ suddenly felt nauseated. After all, it was Hotch they were talking about. _Their_ Hotch! He was not even capable of hurting a woman, was he? Yet, the memory of the look in Emily's eyes when she had recognized Hotch sent cold shivers down her spine. Something terrible must have happened. Just then, JJ swore to herself that she would single-handedly kill him if her darkest fears had come true. But first, she needed to be sure. "What happened, Emily?" JJ whispered, unable to hide the shakiness in her voice. "Noth...nothing" Emily didn't sound convincing - not at all. JJ sighed. "Please don't lie to me" She begged. "You can tell me anything, Em. You know that, right?" The brunette shook her head in response. Not wanting her friend to interpret this gesture as a lack of trust, she added: "I know that you only want to help me, Jay. But I can't tell you - because there _is_ nothing to tell you!

It was not real. She didn't have the right to tell anyone about what happened in her nightmares, because after all, that's what they were: nightmares. What scared her, though, was how real they had become. How explicit. How... intense. Emily had caught herself checking her body for bruises after waking up from a nightmare quite some time ago. By now, she desperately wished for there to be any, because if it were real, she could stop it; could press charges against him, could eventually... heal. But everything was only in her mind - a mind she could not run from, could not hide from. It was no longer just the nightmares - she could at least partly control _them_ by not sleeping. What she could not control, though, was her mind - the chills his voice sent down her spine, the fear paralyzing her, the flashbacks she had whenever she was in the same room with him, the nausea even his slightest touch caused.

His touch. Emily shook her head, trying to get rid of the memories, but they descended upon her mercilessly. There it was again: This look in his eyes, the look of a predator eying its prey. The dangerous look of somebody who didn't care at all that his desire was only one-sided, because he would just take what he wanted. The dangerous look of somebody who knew his prey was too weak to fight him. Emily started shivering involuntarily when she felt _his_ hands touching her.

"DON'T!" She screamed in panic, striking at the hands - only to realize that it wasn't him, that nobody intended to hurt her. Instead, it was only JJ, sitting next to her on the bathroom floor, hastily pulling her hands back, murmuring an apology, followed by a long period of silence.

"You were having a flashback, weren't you?" JJ finally started, and Emily nodded, knowing she wouldn't be able to convince her of the contrary, anyways. "Em... What happened between you and Hotch?" "I can't tell you." Emily whispered, her voice full of shame. Again, long moments of silence passed.

"Okay" JJ finally offered. "I am going to ask you only one single question, but no matter how scared you are, you have to tell me the truth, okay? Please!" The brunette just stared at the floor, avoiding the younger woman's gaze. "Please, Em. I'm here for you, but...""No.""Em..." Emily sighed. "I know what you want to ask me, but the answer is no. He didn't!" Emily took a deep breath before she continued, knowing how important it was for JJ to hear these words from her. "Hotch... never actually r...raped me..."

JJ frowned. He had never_ actually_ raped her? What on earth was this supposed to mean? Emily sighed when she realized how squishy her wording had been. "I'm having nightmares." She stated. That much JJ knew already, so she waited for Emily to continue. "And yes, they are about Hotch... hurting me." She shifted uncomfortably, avoiding JJ's gaze. "...but I'm not having these nightmares because I am reliving something that he... did to me." Emily tried to remain as calm as possible, knowing how important it was that JJ understood what she meant. "The nightmares are the cause for what happened, not the symptom." JJ frown deepened, so Emily explained further: "Hotch has never hurt or... touched me in real life. But he does in my nightmares. The... problem is that the nightmares have become so... realistic that by now, I usually don't realize that I'm only dreaming - or, that I'm_ not_ dreaming..." Now JJ got it. "... so when Hotch touched you to wake you up earlier, you thought..." Emily nodded, unable to say it out loud. She didn't need to, anyway.

"I no longer know what's real and what's not, JJ!" Emily whispered shakily. "They always say that you can't feel pain in your dreams. The whole "pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming" - thing, basically... But in those dreams, I do feel pain. I do feel hi-..." She stopped, blinking her eyes rapidly in order not to start crying again. Having pulled herself together again, she started again: "I feel everything, JJ. I feel it when he hits me, I feel it when he touches me and I feel it when he..." She sniffed loudly. "It... hurts so much. I... I just want it all to stop!"

That was when Emily finally broke down. Unable to control her sobbing any longer, she just let go, well-aware that even the rest of the team would probably hear her. But Emily was beyond shame. They had already witnessed her slapping their boss's face, and she had already been crying when she had fled towards the jet's bathroom. The facade had already been demolished, so why should she waste her energy on trying to keep up appearances? Hell! She had struck her boss in the face - she would lose her job anyway, and that was probably even the best solution. Maybe the nightmares would just stop on their own after a while - and then she would finally be able to sleep again. Emily yawned wearily. Aside from the disastrous nap on the jet, she hadn't slept in days, and now the exhaustion took a toll from her. Nevertheless, she couldn't give in, couldn't risk falling asleep again, knowing that the nightmares were patiently awaiting her. They never stopped. _It_ never stopped. And despite all the insecurities, all the what-ifs Emily was facing right now, she was absolutely certain of one thing: She wouldn't be able to bear the whole situation any longer.


End file.
